Panicked Heart
by AJOregon
Summary: My take on the end of season one and where I hope to see season two. Focused mostly on TC and his relationships.
1. Hard To Find

Panicked heart

Hard to Find

Turned on the tv yesterday, so much pain bleeding through I had to look away. But, inside me the pictures just the same and every time I open up my eyes nothing seems to change. I would be locked up tight in a psych ward if it were not for Jordan protecting me as usual. Hell, sometimes I think she is crazier than I am for trying to help me!

It killed me to tell her about Thad, how I killed him, to let her in on my pain and misery and guilt. I had to tell someone though before it killed me. I could not look at her after I told her, I felt my whole world shift as if someone turned my body on its side without the world moving and I no longer felt that I was inside my own body. I felt her soft gentle hands on my face but I could not see her anymore. All I saw was Thad, and his blank dead eyes staring back at me...my fault, it was all my fault. I felt her hands move and I leaned towards them hoping it would bring me back...hoping she could save me.

She gives me faith to believe there's a way to put the past finally behind me and hope to make it through another night. She gives me strength during these dark times when I am blind, she is my light when faith is hard to find.

I felt her kiss my hair and heard her whisper that she would always be here and I was pulled back into reality, and I pulled my body back into the couch. I felt the tear tracks down my face and my world felt like a ton of bricks crashing down around me. I could barely breathe. I had completely lost it when Scott had told me about Topher... I could not lose him too. I buried my head in my hands and felt myself begin to rock back and forth.

I could hear her talking to me, admonishing me for keeping the truth shut away for so long, for not telling her the worst of my demons when she saw what the worst did to me...did to us. I never did propose to her, how could I after I got my brother killed. She deserved better. I could never tell her that though, she would never know the cruel and miserable thoughts that wandered through my subconscious. I tried to drown it in alcohol, in sex and in fighting. Even through it all, me breaking up with her she still gave up everything and refused to let me leave her, and I could never really leave her. She was my light.

Tonight when Milo threatened her life, when he shot Topher...killed Dwayne...it merged my reality with my nightmares. I did not know if I was in Texas or Afghanistan and I knew something was wrong. She knew it too and that scared me more than anything.

"For God's sake T, stop shutting me out! I went through Hell tonight and you are the only one who understands...and now I can see a glimpse of the torture you were forced to endure. Please, please let me be here because I cannot be anywhere else." She yelled with a cracking voice. My head shot up to look into her eyes and I saw her armor shatter into a million pieces. I pulled her to me and held her so tight that I was not sure if she could even breathe but for as hard as I was holding her she was holding me even tighter, her nails digging into my back.

Something woke me in the night in the midst of the darkness I recognized the light. Now inside me the picture seems so clear, all the dying in my broken dreams seems to appear. She gives me faith to believe there's a way to put the past finally behind me and hope to make it through another night.

With her in my arms I could see again, it was as if a haze I had blindly been walking through had been lifted and my tears started flowing. Tears for her, for Thad, for myself...I felt her grip on me loosen the harder I cried but instead of letting go I felt her hands exploring my face, encircling my eyes, down my cheeks and through my hair. Down my back and up my arms, when I finally allowed myself to look into her eyes again I felt at peace for the first time in the better part of a decade.

"Oh T, please do not ever hide from me again. No matter how bad you may think something may be... Swear to me... I mean it. I cannot lose you again." She whispered to me before taking my hand and lacing her fingers between mine. "I cannot bear the thought of not being with you."

"Jordan...I...what?" I did not know what to say... What about Scott. What about our past? My past? My mentally unstable psychoticness?

"Scott and I are done. If I am being honest we never really were anything... It was always just you...through everything it has always just been you."

"I need help."

"I know."

"You deserve better."

"I want you." She said as she moved over to the couch and pulled me down so my head rested on her lap. "Sleep." She whispered whilst she ran her fingers through my hair. With one last look into her eyes I took a deep ragged breathe and closed my eyes relishing in her touch and surrounded by her unwavering faith in me. Even if sleep was temporary I knew she would help me get through another night.

**Authors Note**

Bonus points to the people who recognize the amazing song lyrics written into this story. Hope you like my take on things and how I hope season two goes!


	2. Battle Cry

**Any guesses on the song from the first chapter? I am using a different song from the same artist for this one. I have always used songs to express how I felt about a certain person or situation and their songs fit so well to The Night Shift. Hope you enjoy this chapter, it is slightly longer than the first!**

Panicked Heart

Battlecry

You're on the edge of giving up, you know I feel it too. You won't be alone because I'm with you. Bring the fire, bring the smoke, bring the rain we will bend but we will never break.

I cannot take my eyes off of this beautiful broken tortured man whose tears continue to fall as he falls asleep. I had no idea he had been holding onto his guilt all this time...even the fact that he blamed himself. Over the years Topher has told me what happened on that horrible day...TC never could talk about it...or his brother after that day, at least with me, and I doubt with anyone else. The two of them were best friends, inseparable, they were so close in age they were even in the same grade through schooling. Thad not making it home is why he never returned home and why we all ended up here in Texas.

Topher had served as a stand in to replace Thad, he was someone TC could talk to without ever really talking. I was thankful through the years that he had kept me informed on how TC was doing and forced him to remain in contact as much as he pushed me away. Somehow I was still the one he always would call to bail him out when he needed help and as many times as he would start to talk to me, he could never say anything that was not just superficial. Now I know why and it breaks my heart. I should have pushed harder...

I think this was the worst night any of us have had at work since we all started here. Landry and Regosa came in around noon and to tell me that the damn cop was out to get me and for that son of a bitch dying. Neither of them really seemed to care about that though and they really wanted to know how he was doing. Michael said he had talked to Paul who had vouched for everything I did...I will have to remember to thank him later.

As I was talking to them TC quietly he rolled over and pulled himself up effectively wrapping his arm around my waist and he snuggled his head into my shoulder so that I could feel his soft breath on my neck under my chin. I noticed the look on Landry's face as I pulled my knee up to help hug him into me as his head started to slip down my shoulder. I think it was of relief...her and TC had had their sexual release but neither of them had any real feelings towards one another. I could see the happiness in her eyes that I was there with him...holding him.

"Now I see why Scott was stomping around and saying he thought he was going to go back to the other hospital at the end of the trial period." Regosa said with a smirk.

"He can go to hell." I mumbled, sliding my fingers through his hair. "TC told me he thinks he is responsible for Thad getting killed."

"Flashbacks?" Landry asked and I nodded. "PTSD...as long as he starts therapy and takes it seriously anything that happened today cannot be held against him."

"No one got hurt from what he did...in fact...he saved more peoples lives...what could be held against him?"

"Scott filed a complaint against him for interrupting the surgery..."

I just shook my head... It seems like no one knows how you've been feeling. You're hiding all your hopes, you stopped believing. It's not over, we're one step away. We'll bend but we won't break. I believe we can't lose, even mountains will move. It's my faith, it's my life, it's my battle cry.

"He knows he needs help...it killed him a million times what happened today...Dwayne, Topher..."

"You." Regosa said, again with a smirk.

"I wish he would have told me before."

"At least he told you now." Landry said as she put her hand on Regosa's arm and giving a sad smile. "We have all been through a lot tonight."

"How are you guys doing?" I asked them while gently rocking TC back and forth each time he tensed up. I wish I knew what was going through his head even as he slept, though right now I didn't think he was actually asleep.

"We lost more people tonight as we have in the last two months put together, Dwayne, Topher... all of the people from the fertilizer plan...and I found out I have a tumor behind my eye..."

I saw the tears form in his eyes and saw Landry scoot closer and he leaned into her. "I'm so sorry Michael, are they still going to be able to do the surgery?" I asked

"Think so but it is a lot more complicated now." he said with a shrug of his shoulders.

"This has certainly been a shitty night." I whispered while I tipped my head down and kissed TC's forehead.

"You and TC have the next week off. Your shifts have all been covered. Being held hostage tonight the heads didn't complain they just made it happen." Regosa told me changing the subject from him and back to us.

"So he is free to go? When I got here they had him handcuffed."

"Take him home, tomorrow he will have a therapy session scheduled with the VA, I will text you with the time, I am still waiting to hear back." Landry said sitting up straighter and taking her arm back from its place around Regosa. He stiffened immediately and I wondered how long it would be until they started dating.

"I have no idea how long it has been since he slept..we will stay here a while longer I think, he only just called down before you came in."

"What about you?"

"I am fine...he..." A gentle snore escaped his throat and I couldn't help but smile, he was finally asleep, "he needs this." I whispered as they stood up.

"I will text you when I hear back Jordan. Take care of him for us." She whispered before locking the door and pulling it shut.

I held him and listened to the soft snore as he slept and thought about all of the times I could have done more, all the times I should have pushed harder. I saw several of our friends come by and go to open the door to come in before realizing it was locked. Drew used sign language for me to call him later. They were all so worried about him.

"Oh T." I sighed and turned so I could rest my head against the back of the couch. He stretched out and his arm flopped down behind his back waking him. He stiffened immediately and his eyes darted open and I felt his heart race in his chest. "Shhhh you are okay." I whispered and he whipped his head up and tears started flowing from his eyes. "You ready to go home?" I asked him and saw the fear in his eyes instantaneously. "I'm not leaving you alone." I promised.

"My house is...?" I could only imagine how his place looked...he tried to spend as much time as he could here...and when he should have been home was usually when I would received phone calls asking me to come bail him out.

"I don't care...that is where we are going and we can worry about everything else after we sleep in a bed." I didnt know if Scott would be at my house or not and I was not ready to face him yet...especially in front of TC.

I expected a smart ass remark but he just nodded and stood up slowly. With tracks of tears down his face I wrapped my arm around his waist and led him out to my car and drove over to his house.

He walked in without unlocking the door and went straight through to the bedroom not looking around. The house was trashed, holes punched in every mirror, picture frames all laid down so you couldn't see what was in them. Beer and liquor bottles littered the tables and countertops. I sighed and took a deep breath, this is all in the past now and we need to move forward towards a new future. One that we can build together.

I walked slowly into his bedroom and saw him sitting with his head in his hands, I went to his dresser and pulled out two clean but very wrinkled tshirts and two pairs of his old army sweats. They were always my favorite and I stop to wonder if he kept them because I loved them so much. As I went over to the bed he looked up at me and gave me a sad smile, "Thief." He said barely above a whisper and I knew I had been right.

"You know you like it." I said whilst pulling his shirt off over his head and throwing it onto the floor adding to the pile of dirty clothes. For how gross it was in there it smelled surprisingly good and I saw that he had one of those Scentsy warmers on his dresser, those things were magic!

"I am scared Jordan." He whispered as I took off his shoes and socks.

"I know." I whispered back as I cupped his face in my hands. I tilted his face so he was forced to look at me, "I need you to promise me one thing TC. I need you to promise you will never shut me out."

"I am afraid you will hate me." He said gesturing like he was earlier...like a lost child...his mind racing forcing him to articulate his thoughts through sign more than words.

"I could never hate you." I cried as I pulled him against me. I held him for a couple minutes rubbing his back until his breathing slowed back to a normal rate. "I am going to go pee and get changed." I told him as I pulled away.

I kept the door open and got changed as quickly as I could so that I could go back to him. To be honest I was scared that if I left him for too long his walls would go back up and he would be worse than before. I could hear him unzip his jeans and pull them off and put his sweats on before sitting back on the edge of the bed.

I walked back into his room and crawled into his bed and laid down and waited for him to lay down next to me but he didn't move. "T?" I asked. He got up and slowly walked around to the side of the bed and crawled under his blanket. He stayed surprisingly far away considering I had spent the last few hours holding him in my arms. He was wrestling with feelings and emotions and for someone who had shut it all out for years I knew he was overwhelmed and lost.

"Will you hold me?" I asked him quietly and a split second later he was pulling me into him. I wrapped my leg over his and put my hand over his heart.

"I was going to propose to you before...before Thad died." He whispered.

"I know." I whispered and I felt him tense up under me.

"Topher has a big mouth."

"And a big heart."

"I couldn't lose him too."

"You can't always save everyone."

"I can try."

"Start with yourself."

"Have you heard from Landry about tomorrow?"

I hit him softly, "You were suppose to be sleeping."

"It is hard to sleep through people talking."

"So you will go get help?"

"Will you go with me? I am not strong enough to go alone."

"You will never be alone again." I said as I reached my hand up and stroked his chin. "I really am tired. Sleep now?"

"With you here wearing my clothes and in my bed and you want me to sleep?" I could hear the smile in his voice.

"You get the help you need T and we can go there in the future. Now sleep. For at least six hours."

"Thank you Jordan."

"Shut up and sleep TC."

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	3. Don't Wake Me

Panicked Heart

Don't Wake Me

I went to bed, I was thinking about you. Ain't the same since I'm living without you. All the memories are getting colder, all the things that I wanna do over. Went to bed I was thinking about you, I wanna talk and laugh like we used to. When I see you in my dreams at night it's so real but it's in my mind.

Don't wake me cause I don't wanna leave this dream. Don't wake me cause I never seem to stay asleep enough. When it's you I'm dreaming of I don't wanna wake up.

I felt the weight of her leg over mine, her chest and stomach rising and falling with each breath in my side. It felt like I was still dreaming only this time I felt the rush and crush of everything around me. The damn tears wouldn't stop and I could feel them sliding down my cheek and onto the pillow even now. Guess I deserve it for not really living since the day I killed Thad.

I know I've gotta let you go but I don't wanna be alone. The dreams of you keep on growing stronger. It ain't a lot but it's all I have. Nothing to do but keep sleeping longer...don't wanna stop cause I want you back.

I have to figure out a way to let go of Thad...to start living. I have to do it for Jordan... I have to do it for myself...I just don't know how. I am so scared...terrified really. My heart hasn't had a reason to beat since Thad left. It was all my fault. I heard and felt myself moan as emotion once again took over taking me back to that little shack...his eyes staring at me as he took his last breathes. Why?

I felt her wake up and move so she was straddling me attempting to pull me back to her. I saw the light leave his eyes and just kept calling out to him... "Thad...No! Thad...Come back!"

I felt her wrap her whole body around mine forcing my flailing arms and kicking legs still. She turned my face to look directly into hers. "Look at my eyes. Breathe with me." She repeated. She didn't take her eyes off mine but I felt her pull her phone from somewhere and call someone.

"Any word on a time?" I heard her ask and I knew it was Landry she was on the phone with...as much as I hate it I know she is right...I need help. "Thanks...ya I will get him there." She said as she put the phone back down.

"You back with me now?" She asked me a few minutes...seconds...I don't even know, later.

I nodded my head and put my arm over my eyes as I felt the tears sliding once again. "No...look at me." I heard her whisper as she pulled my arm away from my face. I stared into her eyes expecting to see sympathy but I only saw a mixture of love and fear and it just made me cry harder.

She pulled me over so my head was resting on her chest over her heart and it was my turn to wrap my leg over hers. She moved my hand so that it rested on her stomach. "Just listen and breathe with me." She told me while she ran her fingers through my hair.

I went to bed I was thinking about you and how it felt when I finally found you. It's like a movie playing over in my head. Don't wanna look cause I know how it ends. All the words that I said that I wouldn't say, all the promises I made that I wouldn't break. It's last call, last song, last dance cause I can't get you back, can't get a second chance and now, I guess this is as good as it gets.

Jordan may not be able to help me save Thad, but she can help me save myself and for now that is good enough. Breathing in sync with her I slowly felt my body and my mind relax, I could smell her sweet scent and the feeling of her skin touching mine was heavenly.

"What time?" I asked a while later when I felt like I could control the waiver in my voice enough to speak.

"Seven." She answered as she tightened her grip on me and pulling me closer to her.

"What time is it now?"

"Three-thirty."

"Can we go see Topher before?" I asked hearing the crack in my voice as I said his name.

"After we shower and clean up this mess." She said squeezing me close then letting go to sit up.

I watch her as she starts to throw all my clothes into the laundry basket that sits empty in the corner of my room. When she starts to pick up the pictures frames on my dresser I freeze...I know I am not ready to look at them again and yet I do not tell her no.

When she picks up the biggest frame she looks into it and I see the tears fall down her cheeks. It is a photo of her and I and Thad the day that we left for Afghanistan. The last photo of the three of us together and I bolt across the room to grab it from her but she does not let me. "No T. This one doesn't get to go anywhere." She whispers as she hugged it to her chest.

I had all but forgotten that she lost him too...it was not just me losing a brother...she lost her friend that day... I took her friend away from her. "Don't blame yourself. I lost both of my friends that day and while I can never have Thad back I can still have you. Please don't make me lose you again."

"That one can stay but please leave the rest down for now." I whisper, taking the picture from her hands and putting it on the dresser where it has laid face down for years. She gave me one of her famous Jordan stares but nodded slowly pulling me into a hug.

"I miss him too." She whispered looking up into my eyes. "I think about him every time I see you smile."

"Jordan...I don't know if I can do this."

"It won't be easy for you."

"Thanks for that clarification." I said rolling my eyes and grabbing clean clothes out of the dresser...some of hers that I had kept all this time in the back of my bottom drawer.

"Don't be an ass." She said grabbing the clothes from my hand and going into the bathroom and shutting the door behind her. I stood there frozen as she turned on the water and climbed into the shower.


	4. Good To Be Alive

Panicked Heart

Good to be Alive

When all you've got are broken dreams, just need a second chance and everything you want to be gets taken from your hands. We hold on to each other all we have is all we need because one way or another we always thank it's you and me.

Cautiously, I led him into the hospital, through an entry he is not used to using and up to the recovery floor where Topher has finally been moved to. TC had barely spoken since I told him it was time to go and I was scared of him shutting me out once again. I was terrified what he would do if when we got to Topher's room he was not awake and talking...I didn't know if he would flash back and get lost again. I didn't know if the next time he flashed back if he would be able to find his way back.

Thank God for Drew, one text to him and he went up to check in on and wake him and let him know what had happened and to let him know we were on our way there. It was going to be just as hard for him to see TC this way as it is for me. TC froze at the open door when he saw Topher in the bed with his eyes closed and hooked up to oxygen; I saw his fists clench up as he shook his head resigned, "this life could almost kill ya when you're trying to survive. It's good to be here with ya and it's good to be alive" I whisper sang to him. A song from the latest cd of his favorite band...one that we had seen too many times to count. I put my hand in his and pulled him through the door.

"Hey Toph, how are you feeling?" I asked as I pulled TC closer to the bed. He was looking anywhere other than at his best friend. I hated to see him like this, I knew that he was embarrassed and ashamed and thought so low of himself with him losing control and a part of me was hoping that he would fake his way through like he always did...it seemed easier somehow.

Topher noticed it too and tried to make light of the situation, "what, no kiss this time?" But TC didn't even acknowledge him talking. "Jordan?" He asked turning to look at me.

"Going over there when we are done here." I answered his unasked question, squeezing TC's hand a little tighter trying and failing to bring him back from wherever his mind had wandered.

"He said he was seeing Thad..." Topher started.

"He blames himself...finally told me after all this time." I said quietly, not taking my eyes off TC. I saw Drew sneak in and start messing with the IV lines obviously curious and concerned about TC and not even doing anything to Topher. He saw the tears spring up in his eyes and saw him start to crumble and rushed a chair over under TC as he dropped down rocking himself back and forth. TC had been like his watch dog since he had met him...I think Drew reminded him of himself before the war.

For the second time in as many days I positioned myself directly in front of him and put his hand on my chest and my mouth millimeters from his and I held his face in my hands, "breathe with me T". He blinked his eyes and focused on mine and nodded his head. It broke my heart to see him tortured this way, too lost to even be able to fake his way through like he had been for so many years. A couple minutes later the panic attack had passed and he closed his eyes as he fought the losing battle with the tears in his eyes. I moved and sat down on his lap and he leaned his head into my shoulder.

I looked over to Topher and Drew and they too had tears in his eyes. "Jordan what does Scott think?" Drew asked me knowing that TC was not mentally in the room with us.

I shrugged my shoulders, "don't know don't care. I never should have stopped pushing...I am sick that it took this to make me see what he is actually dealing with..." I said holding him tighter to me.

"T can you look at me?" Topher asked him a few minutes later. TC slowly lifted his head up and I stood up but kept my arm around him, silently hoping he would walk over to the bed. It took him a few more minutes but he went over and sat on the edge of the bed and put his hand down next to Topher's. "We all are here for you..." TC started to stop him but he ignored him. "No. You need to listen for once. We are here to help you. You have been here to carry all of us but now it is our turn. I miss Thad too... And I miss you...how you were before that day...that damned fool that was always dancing around and crazy..."

"I was not crazy." TC said barely above a whisper.

"Therapy sucks T...if you ever need me to go with you..."

"Jordan is taking me now."

"We are with you." Topher told him.

"Yeah Buddy, I wasn't there with you then but with everything you helped me with with Rick... I am gonna keep asking." Drew chimed in.

"I am scared of what they will make me talk about." TC whispered, looking down at the IV line coming out of Topher's hand.

"And what you are scared to talk about they will make you talk about...but we will be there. You aren't in this alone anymore." I told him. "And we have about fifteen minutes to get you over there."

TC nodded and leaned over to kiss Topher's head with a grin that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Come back when you are done today. If I am stuck here you should be too."

When TC was standing in the doorway Topher called me over to the bed, "are you sure you want to give up everything for him again?"

"As much as I tried to separate myself from him it is, was and always will be him." I said bending over and kissing Topher on the head before I walked out and led TC out into the hall.

"She dump the douche finally?" I heard Drew ask and couldn't help but laugh out loud.

"What's so funny?" TC asked me with a worried look...he obviously didn't hear the question.

"Boys" I answered wrapping my arm around his waist. "Now let's get you upstairs. I think Landry is meeting us up there." I told him.

He nodded his head and grabbed my hand as if life depended on it, "you have to keep touching me, your hand, leg, I don't even care but if you let go when I am in there...I need to be able to find my way back..." He whispered.

I laced my hand through his and led him through the door. It was away from the psych unit and I was pretty sure it was one of the meeting rooms usually used by the pulmonary team and I had to make a mental note to thank Landry for that. I didn't think the typical shrink couch would go over well with him.

We sat down on the small couch in the corner and I let go of his hand but curled my legs up so that my feet were tucked under his leg. A few minutes later Landry walked in with one of the va psychologists and sat down in the chairs across from us. "Hey TC, I think we met once before working with another guy in your unit. How have you been doing?" The doctor asked.

TC looked at me, looking for reassurance and I wiggled my toes. "I keep reliving the moment that I got my brother killed...and the moments leading up to it...it was usually just when I was sleeping...I would dream it...but after...when we were held hostage...I go back and forth and I cannot control it." He kept looking at me when he was saying it and I just sat there staring at him nodding my head when he needed a push to continue. If he needed to answer me rather than the doctor then I was going to be there for him to answer...I just wanted him to talk...to get everything out in the open so that he could begin to heal. The doctor spent a good hour asking simple questions getting the background of what he did when he was in the Army and then he really opened up Pandora's box, "Can you tell me about your brother?"

"He was my brother. We had to fight to stay in the same unit... Kinda got around the loopholes because I was a medic... We were always together. Except when he was on tour the first time...I was still in med school so I couldn't go but we talked everyday...sometimes several times a day unless they were out on missions...and those were the worst...I didn't know where he was...or if he was...but he was always fine...we did four tours together though. It was the last one... We were set to go home in two weeks... We were all joking around making a karaoke dance video thing I was going to use to propose to you when some assholes decided to try to blow us up... We spent the next few days searching through the town trying to find the ones in charge and we went to the last house...and he...he went to one side and sent me to the other...the kid... I should have gotten him first...I could have... But he was just a kid... And then he shot Thad... And then all hell broke loose... Another buddy got shot in the chest... And Thad was dying...and so was our buddy... I knew I couldn't save Thad but I knew if I kept his heart beating I could put it in his...and then part of him would still be here... But he was gone... I had to call our parents and tell them...I had to tell you...I couldn't go home after that...not without him... When stuff started to wind down I had to come back stateside so I got transferred as far away as I could...to somewhere I never went with him...so by then Topher and I got used to partnering up on stuff and he was set to come back here so came here with him... And then you decided to come here...and it was too much for me to be around you without Thad... Anything that reminded me of when he was alive... It was too hard...but at the same time I had to be by you...you were...it was the only time I ever felt like I was still alive...l'm sorry...I'm so sorry Jordan...Thad...oh God...Thad I am so sorry."

He started rocking back and forth again and when I looked up from TC to the doctor and to Landry they both had tears running down their cheeks too. I pulled TC over so his head was resting on my chest and held him into me.

"Shhh I am here...you are safe. Just relax and breathe." I put his head so he could hear my heartbeat.

"I'm so sorry." He sobbed.

"I didn't know..." Landry whispered as she wiped the tears from her cheeks. "Thank you Jordan...I always thought...I didn't know you were around before..."

The doctor wiped his own tears and wrote a few things down on the notepad he brought. I didn't think he was expecting everything to come out like it did. I certainly was not expecting it. "Has he slept since the situation here?" The doctor asked me.

"Yes, a couple hours here and then about 7 at his apartment."

"You stayed with him?" Landry said, a statement more than the question it was suppose to be.

"I am not going to leave him alone anymore if I can help it. Michael gave us both a week off...but we both have a lot more time if we need it."

"TC what were your thoughts on inpatient versus outpatient?" The doctor asked. He had wrapped his arms around me and had his face buried in my neck.

"No inpatient. His life needs to remain as normal as possible." I answered for him.

"If he is willing to meet with myself or a colleague three times a week and go to at least one support group I will agree he is able to go back to work after one weeks time. However, I do not want him in high stress situations until we see consistent improvement."

"Flu and broken bones. Done."

"Once he is back to work he will need to continue to make time for therapy and support groups or I will pull the okay and we will admit him."

I felt him nod his head but he didn't answer the doctor. Landry saw him though, "I don't think any of us will let him flake on this." She said.

"I think you have had enough of this for today. You have been through more than anyone ever should. Allow yourself to seek comfort in your friends. It is very obvious their level of care for you." The doctor said standing up and excusing himself.

TC sat up and leaned forward, his head in his hands, "I can't get it out of my head."

"What exactly?" Laundry asked.

"Thad's face as he slid to the floor..."

"It was not your fault." I whispered once again tucking my toes under his leg.

"Ugh this sucks. I can't freaking think...when I try all I do is cry like a damned baby... Everything feels like it is exploding and it is too much..." He said jumping up and pacing while he ran his fingers through his hair.

"Let's go say bye to Toph and go for a drive then. Get away from the world for a couple days." I suggested. And a half hour later we were on our way.

Driving down this highway soaking up the sun, got miles to go before we get home and the journeys just begun. We hold on to each other. You are everything I need. You feel like forever, you're a second chance for me.

****************Authors Note************************

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW! And if you were wondering the lyrics I have been using so far are from the band Skillet :) I am working on a couple more chapters so will hopefully get them edited tonight and uploaded for you. Fridays and Saturdays are the only free time I have to really focus on editing and posting but I write a TON during the week!


	5. Cold

Panicked Heart

Cold

Looking back at me I see that I never really got it right. I never stopped to think of you. I'm always wrapped up in things I cannot win. You are the antidote that gets me by something strong like a drug that gets me high. What I really meant to say is I'm sorry for the way I am. I never meant to be so cold.

Jordan was an amazing woman, the level of faith she has in me is unbelievable and I do not know where it comes from. I watched her the whole drive from San Antonio down to Corpus Christie. I knew she knew I was watching her and she still chose to ignore it. I wish I could read her mind, it would make things a lot easier. It would have been so much better if I would have been the one who did not make it back.

"Booze on the beach?" She asked me as she pulled into one of her favorite parks.

"Don't we need to get some first?" I asked as she unbuckled her seatbelt.

"In the trunk." She said smiling at me. It was a gorgeous smile.

I got out and she popped the trunk and I saw all kinds of stuff for us to camp. When the hell did she have time to get all this ready?

"Landry helped with the food and stuff. I just loaded our clothes and camping gear when you were taking your sweet time in the shower." She always loved camping, even back in college we would go as often as we could get away. Mind you, camping there and camping here on the beach were two very different experiences.

We set up the tent and she made up our bed...our...I like that word. When she was done she grabbed one of the bottles from the cooler and started to walk down the trail to the sand. By the time I realized what she was doing I had to run to catch up.

"Some doctor you are...planning on getting a mentally unstable person drunk in the middle of nowhere."

"As long as I get to see some of that smile I don't care." She answered running off down the deserted beach towards then Gulf of Mexico. I shook my head and smiled for what felt like the first time in ages and took off after her to the water.

When I caught up to her at the waters edge I picked her up and spun her around in my arms. She wrapped her legs around my waist and put the nonbottle bearing arm around my neck. "You ready to have fun and relax for a couple days?" I nodded my head and stopped spinning.

She unscrewed the cap of rum and put the bottle to my lips, of course it was coconut flavored. She smiled at me and took the bottle and took her own swig. "Swim?" She asked unhooking her legs and dropping down. I missed her contact immediately.

She took off her shoes and socks and set them on the dry sand and started to pull off her shirt over her head, "where did this Jordan come from?" I asked stepping closer to her and cupping my hand around her waist.

She smiled at me and unzipped and wiggled out if her shorts and took off diving into the surf. I quickly dropped my pants and kicked off my shoes and pulled off my shirt and ran into the water with her. She was chest deep when I caught up to her and she swam over and climbed onto my back and hugged me close resting her head on my shoulder. "I'm sorry about all the lies, maybe in a different light you could see me stand on my own again cause now I can see you were the antidote that got me by...I never meant to be so cold..."

"T..." I could hear the waver in her voice and I knew she just wanted to have fun and escape everything but I had to get it out before I chickened out again...

"I never meant to be so cold...I never really wanted you to see the screwed up side of me that I keep locked inside of me so deep. It always seems to get to me, I never really wanted you to go...so many things you should have known. I guess for me there's just no hope...I never meant to be so cold..."

She let go of my back and swam around to my front and wrapped her legs around my waist and snaked her arms around my neck. With tears streaming down her face she put her forehead to mine. "There is always hope...you never were very good with emotional stuff...and I could always tell when it was your fear acting or if it was actually you."

"I don't want to lose you but I don't know how I can have you when I can't handle myself."

"Every day is a new day. We will take things slow and when you realize I am not going to go anywhere then we can really be together." She said kissing me on the cheek before releasing me with a splash and swimming back towards the shore.

I really did not deserve this girl. I said a silent prayer and sank down into the water until I ran out of breath and then swam back to the shore. She had sat down on the edge of the surf and was laying on her back with her hands behind her head staring at the sky.

"I wish I would have listened to you before." I said laying back next to her and looking up at the cloudless sky.

"Ha! Like it would be possible for you to listen to anyone." She said and I could hear the smirk on her face. "I take that back...you listened to your brother and stayed in med school...God you were miserable that year!"

"It didn't help that all four of our grandparents died within the first four months of him leaving..."

"That isn't what I was talking about...when he would go out on missions you wouldn't sleep for days...and you wouldn't go more than five minutes without checking your email."

"I couldn't help it Jordan...I just..."

"I know...I was the same way when you were gone...I just didn't know what it was like for you then..."

"You always yelled at me when I would call." I said remembering our scripted conversations.

"I never knew where you were or what you were doing and Thad would email but sometimes I wouldn't hear from you...and then when you would call...ugh...it just made me crazy."

"I'm sorry Jordan."

"When I didn't get an email from him...I knew...and then I got the call from you...your voice...it was different...you were trying to say the same things but I knew...I knew nothing would ever be the same again."

"I never did tell you I don't think...you told me."

"It was the worst day of my life...I lost both of you...the life that I thought we would always have...it was gone in one phone call and I couldn't even give you a hug...that was the worst part...I just wanted to crawl through the phone to you...to feel your arms around me...to see that you were still here with me."

"Why did you follow me to Texas?" I asked her after a couple minutes...trying to process what she was telling me. I had never thought about what it had been like to everyone else. Thad was my brother...my best friend...I didn't ever stop to think that he was other peoples friend.

"I knew you were a mess. I knew...well I had an idea of how well you would NOT handle it...I couldn't lose you too. I had given up most of my friends...between studying and working and making myself miserable waiting to hear from you...I had my family and your family...but it was never anything when I didn't have you so when I finished at American and I heard where you were going to be stationed I started looking for a job there."

"Do you think we can ever go back to how we were?"

"Nope. We are both two very different people now TC." She said sitting up and facing me judging my expression. "Who we will be in the future starts now and neither of us knows where the future will take us." She said standing up, "I'm hungry." She said picking up her clothes and the bottle of rum and walking back towards our campsite completely changing the subject. I knew she was doing it for me...to try and keep me from going totally crazy but instead she was making me totally crazy. All I wanted was her touch and she kept walking away... "You coming?" She yelled over her shoulder as she reached the trail. I stood up and followed her. She was right...nothing would ever be able to be the same. I only hoped that whenever we got to where we were going it would be together.


	6. Balloons

Panicked Heart

I knew that if I didn't get up and make myself busy with making dinner I would end up kissing him...sex on the beach...I craved it...I craved his touch but I wanted his head in the right place before I could allow myself to even think about going there with him. The night before him and Thad shipped out for the last tour we went camping on the beach. TC had gotten so drunk that he had passed out around three next to our fire on the beach with his head in my lap. With him snoring softly Thad and I stayed up and talked through the sunrise. I would never forget that night and used it to keep myself going through the years.

"Before I shipped out the first time he asked our Grandmother for her ring to give to you. I was hoping he was going to do it tonight but knowing him he won't give it to you until he knows that he will be able to promise you forever." Thad had told me. I had about spit my drink all over myself...and TC when he told me. The three of us had done our undergraduate together and met in college. Because the two of them were inseparable I spent almost as much time with Thad as I did with TC. I was so scared of what would happen when they both shipped out and did not know if I would ever see them again. Thad moved over and sat next to me wrapping his arm around my shoulders when I started to cry and he kept his arm around my back until after the sun rose. He told me all of his fears, mostly that he was worried about his brother and he already suspected that he had PTSD from their previous tours. Thad had promised to do his best to protect him and I tried to make him promise me to protect himself but he seemed so relaxed in knowing that he may or may not come home and that was okay with him...a part of me wonders if he knew then that he really was not going to make it home this time.

"The last thing Thad said to me before you guys got on the bus was that his only wish in the world was for us to live life at its fullest and to never forget to smile and laugh even when things got hard." I mumbled as TC and I sat around the campfire later that night.

"He was always saying shit like that. It drove me nuts. If he knew he was going to die why did he still go? He volunteered to go on the last deployment...he didn't have to...he went because I had to go."

"I think about him all the time...all the stupid stuff we used to do together...all the nights him and I got to hang out after you passed out..."

"I didn't realize how much time you had spent with him...guess I should have though. I wish it wasn't so hard to talk about him."

"The more we talk about him the easier it will get I think."

"It sure doesn't feel like it...just makes me sad...or pissed..."

"Have you gone to visit his grave?" I asked him. To my knowledge he hadn't but I didn't know if one of the times he had disappeared over the years was to go to see him.

"No...I have been too scared...and it is really fucking far from here...who the hell let him be buried in Arlington...we aren't from there..."

"TC, Thad wrote specifically in his will that he wanted to be buried there. Your parents followed his wishes."

"He should never have died."

"When I did my residency at American I used to go and study at his gravesite...I think the guards there thought I was crazy...packing all my books in with me and talking to myself..." TC looked at me as if I were crazy. "I didn't want to make friends there when I knew I was just going to be moving to who knows where when I was done so..."

"Was it weird?"

"Was what weird?"

"Seeing the grave...could you feel him there?"

"Some days I think I could...when I got there it always made me relax...like I had something from home...do you know what I mean?" He shook his head no... "Well, my boyfriend at the time took one deployment after the other and I didn't see him for almost three years and barely heard from him...my parents were home and hardly stayed in contact with me...I got the occasional emails or calls from Topher but never saw anyone...Thad was always there..."

"Will you go with me some day when I go?" He asked me As he took a swig of the now almost empty bottle of rum.

"Some nights I still cry myself to sleep...well...days...that is part of why I started working nights...when the sun was out I didn't feel so alone...it is part of why I threw myself into the relationship with Scott...then I didn't have to sleep alone all the time...I never saw a real future with him though...not like I did with you..." I admitted, the alcohol not hiding my darkest secret.

"So...yes?"

I shrugged my shoulders, "When you are ready...I mean really ready we can go there together. It has been a few years since I have been there." I answered while poking at the last few embers with a stick. "I need to sleep before the sun comes up." I said standing up, I walked over and climbed into the tent, "You plan on sleeping out there?"

I watched him stand and wobble his way to the tent, he was drunker than I thought. I wondered if he would even remember our conversation when he woke up. "Jordan will you hold me tonight?" He asked me and I saw the tears in his eyes by the moonlight threatening to fall.

"We will get through this T." I whispered as I pulled him into my and flipped the sleeping bag over us.

"I was so scared." He admitted.

"When?" I asked him...there were a series of never ending moments that were terrifying for me to just think of what he had been through.

"The flashbang...I saw his gun go off...I didn't know where you were...and then Topher...but I saw Thad there too...and then I was back in Afghanistan... only this time you were there...and I knew something was wrong with me...something I couldn't fix."

"I wish I could take away all of your horrible memories." I whispered back to him as I kissed the top of his head. He slowly wrapped his arm around my waist and I put my hand on his. "I am going to tell you a bedtime story...there were these four crazy kids in college...they were suppose to be studying for their anatomy final to finish out their last term as juniors but instead they climbed up a fire escape and were sitting on the roof of the science building dropping formaldehyde filled water balloons on poor unsuspecting people walking by..."


	7. Release

Two weeks had passed and I had done all of the counseling sessions and gone to the group therapy sessions and the shrink had cleared me to come back to work. Truth be told though the real therapy was when I was with Jordan or when I went with Drew to practice. I hadn't been having flashback anymore...well it has been four days since the last one. I just wanted to be back to normal. I wanted to ask Jordan to marry me but I knew she needed more time...more proof that I was better.

I had talked to Ragosa at the end of my first day back and arranged with him for Jordan and I to take three days off to go to Arlington...to visit Thad's grave...if I could make it through that then I I knew I was truly going to be okay...and if not...well...I would have her with me so I would be okay. Our flight was scheduled for the morning.

"Jordan, I need you to pack a bag..."

"You sure you are ready to go there?". She asked nervous, but not surprised.

"It is not like he died yesterday.". I said sarcastically.

"Don't be an ass, you know what I mean. I do not want to go there until you are ready...not because you know I want you to go there."

I sat down on the floor in front of the couch and leaned back into her knees, "I need to say goodbye to my brother."

She wrapped her arms around my shoulder and leaned down and kissed my cheek. "It scares me T. It hasn't even been a week since..."

"I give you permission to drug me if I freak out or something." I said shrugging my shoulders.

"I don't want to drug you. I want you to be okay before we go."

"My brother was killed...nothing will ever make me okay with that. Our flight leaves at ten." I snapped, now annoyed. I went into the bedroom and threw my bag together and climbed into the shower.

By the time I was done she had packed a bag and was laying down in bed. "Temper tantrums do not suit you. Now if you are done turn off the light and get in bed."

I walked over and flipped the switch and climbed into the bed without saying anything, laid down on the edge with my back to her and closed my eyes. Was I really ready to do this? To go to the cemetery? To admit that Thad was really gone forever?

"I know you will never be ready for this...but I swear to you I will be right there with you every step." She whispered as she rolled over and put her arm around me.

The next morning we got up and ready in silence. I was too nervous to form a sentence and was barely able to get myself buckled in the seat of the car. I followed her blindly until we were seated in our airline seats and we were taxiing down the runway. Jordan reached over and grabbed my hand and dug her nails in, in my anxiousness I had forgotten how scared she was of flying...and yet here she was next to me...once again being strong for me.

"Maybe it will be me that needs to drug you today." I whispered to her. She turned to look at me and dug her nails even further into my hand. "Thank you Jordan."

"You better hope this is a smooth flight or you may need stitches before the day is over."

We landed three hours later and silently got up and walked off the plane. We were there...in the same city as my brother's grave. I had been in Arlington before but it was before he was there. We went there when we were in high school...I knew that was why he chose to be buried there. He fell in love with the place. The two of us spent an entire day walking through the cemetery looking at all the names and even just sitting under a tree and talking. I am pretty sure our parents thought we were both crazy.

"Do you want to go there now or go to the hotel first?" She asked me, breaking me from my thoughts.

"I don't know..." I answered honestly. We walked down to the rental car place and picked up one of the new Mustangs.

She got behind the wheel and put the top down. "Arlington it is." She said pressing the gas and forcing me back into my seat. I had to concentrate on my breathing by counting to keep from hyperventilating. It was a twenty minute drive from the airport to the entrance of the cemetery. She pulled through her gate, flashed her ID and told her the grave number and they waved her in. "Tell me if we need to turn around." She said reaching over and taking my hand in hers. She drove another five minutes and stopped in front of a row of newer graves and shut off the car. "He is just right up the hill. You tell me when you are ready to get out."

I took my hand from hers and unbuckled the belt and quickly opened the door to get out. Before I could even stand up she was there again reaching for my hand. "I am glad we are here TC." She led me up three rows and stopped at a crisp white stone and spread out a blanket I didn't see her grab and laid it down on the grass and sat down. I sat down next to her without taking my eyes off of his stone. I knew I was sitting ON my brother and I kept reading the letters on his gravestone...the simple cross on the top...then his name...his rank, the location of his death and then beloved brother, son and friend. Brother. My brother was dead.

I felt the tears fall down my cheeks and I felt Jordan pull me into her. "He loved you so much TC. He wouldn't want to see you blaming yourself...all he ever wanted was to keep you safe and see you happy."

"I love you Jordan." I sobbed. "I am so sorry." I felt her kiss my forehead but she didn't say anything, "I miss him so much."

"I miss you both." She whispered.

"I don't know how to live without him Jordan."

"Obviously. But at least now you can admit that so maybe we can start trying to figure it out together. You have to let me in again though TC. I cant do this alone anymore. I need you...really need you. I know you cant be the same as before, I cant either...but I cant live without you."

"Does that mean you will marry me?"

"Yes TC it means I will marry you."

I jumped up and pulled her up in my arms and spun her around in a circle "Did you hear that Thad? She agreed to marry me!" I yelled whilst spinning her again.

"Tomorrow. Here. What do you think?" She asked me as we were getting back into the Mustang as the sun was setting.

"Before you have the chance to change your mine...I like it." I said, I couldn't help but smile. I was a crazy ball of emotions but the fact that she was going to be my wife trumped them all.

This time tomorrow Jordan would be my wife. I would be a husband. And we would be getting married in a cemetery. "Should we tell anyone?" I asked as she pulled out of the cemetery.

"Drew, Landry, Toph and the gang are all headed here tomorrow. Regosa helped arrange it with work." She smiled at me. In less than twenty four hours she would be my wife. I would have my happily ever after. My panicked heart was at ease for the first time since Thad had told me he was joining the military over a decade ago.


End file.
